Royal Wedding

So, I did not watch the royal wedding. Maybe it'll be rebroadcast sometime, but I don't care that much. I looked at some of the pictures, and I was not impressed. Nothing out of the ordinary to see here, unlike at the wedding of Crown Princess Victoria, of Sweden to Daniel Westling, now Prince Daniel, Duke of Västergötland.

Photo by:Prolineserver (original photograph), Papa Lima Whiskey (derivative edit)

Geekiest Royal Ever! They could at least have bought him different glasses for the time he'd be out in public. At least he's a gym owner/personal trainer. Had he been a computer programmer, that would have made it even more funny. Maybe their trying to make up for their lack of scandalous behavior, at least compared to the house of Windsor. Oh, Prince Consorts are so fun to laugh at, the position is so pointless, and the most visible one in modern times has such a big mouth... with no disconnect between it and his brain...

Office Space

I rewatched Office Space last night. It's much more meaningful when you're unemployed. Without going into too much detail, my situation is very similar to that of Michael and Samir.
I can also relate strongly to Peter. The feeling of being wanting to leave the rat race behind and just do nothing is something I can strongly relate to. I'm not going to do that because it doesn't pay, but it's still an appealing thought. The more I learn of the white collar world, the less I want to be there, and so I find Peter's move into construction to be a similar to what I'd like to do. I wouldn't want to do it forever, but just long enough to find a more viable alternative to the corporate world (Academia? Small business?). One of the underlying messages I see in the film is, that you don't have to like your job, you just need to find one that doesn't detract too much from the rest of your life. I have yet to accomplish that...

Royal Wedding Merchandise

I was reading the Guardian this morning, when I came accross this merchandise available for sale. I wonder if they can process transactions in US Dollars...

Sexual Innuendo in scientific and industrial terminology

Over the years, I've worked in various industrial settings, and have received some scientific training. I am also very interested in railroading. From time to time in the above pursuits, I have come across terminology that makes me wonder whether its originators had their heads in the gutter. First example: Male and Female connections.
Male Connector:

Female Connector:

I think these photos are self explanatory. Fortunately or unfortunately, nothing interesting happens when a male connector is repeatedly inserted and removed from a female connector.
Next, pipe nipples. These are short lengths of pipe with male connections on each end. Often, plumbers and other workers will refer to them as just "nipples". In the wrong situation, that could be quite humorous.
Guess what splits in rocks are called? Here's a hint:

Those strange geologists.
The fine folks at General Electric Transportation Systems have been developing this gem since 1977. It's their nomenclature for freight locomotives. It consists of a letter, denoting the wheel arrangement, a number, indicating the horsepower rating, and another number, indicating the model series, possibly with another letter indicating various options. For example, a C40-8 is a 4000HP locomotive with two three axle trucks, belonging to the DASH 8 series. Drop the -8, and it would sound as if they were referring to a certain garment in a rather muddled fashion (so it's a c-cup? with a 40in band? How and why did General Electric get into lingerie anyway?).
Finally, the sex bolt. Its a rod with a threaded hole in it, with a bolt like head on one end. This term just reeks of double entendre. Somebody needs their head examined.

DIY advertising

So, in my principles of marketing class today, the professor was explaining different types of advertising, among them, Do It Yourself advertising. As an example, he pointed at my can of cherry coke and said "Do It Yourself marketing would be like, Chris goes home and writes in his blog: Cherry Coke tastes great and doesn't make me fat!". Or something to that effect. So that's exactly what I intend to do. Cherry Coke tastes great and it doesn't make me fat.

GPS dependancy

So we all know what GPS is. The appearance, in recent years, of consumer level devices that give your position graphically, that is, by displaying a map with a you are here marker on it, and which also give directions, provides much potential for humour.



First, a history lesson. As most of us know, GPS was developed by the DOD in the 70's and 80's, for military navigation. After the Korean airliner KAL 007 was shot down by the Soviets after straying into their airspace, President Reagan directed that GPS be made available for civilian use once it was implemented. The system was partially operational during the Gulf War, in which it was widely used, and was declared fully operational in 1995. Originally, the only location data a GPS receiver would supply was latitude and longitude, requiring one to keep a stack of maps nearby. Also, the system originally contained a feature known as Selective Availability. This feature was intended to degrade the usefulness of the system to unauthorized persons, by adding errors to the signal. These errors were psudorandom, and depended on the time of day. A key was produced daily, which when used in a specialized GPS receiver, would make corrections to the signal, giving a precise output. A typical error would be about 100 meters horizontally, and 50 meters vertically. In 1996, President Clinton issued an executive order declaring GPS a dual use system, and mandating that Selective Availability be shut off by 2006. After systems were developed that could deny the use of GPS to hostile forces by other means, Selective Availability was shut off in 2000. Now we have the inexpensive units with maps and routing algorithms and all manner of other bells and whistles that serious navigators and surveyors would just find annoying.


Now for the humour. I find the extent to which people become dependant on these devices to be somewhat pathetic. I was at a family reunion last august, and a relative was going on about how hard a time they had navigating, because they had accidentally reset their GPS, thus destroying all their stored maps. So I said: "But you can still get a latitude and longitude out of the thing, right?" to which they said "I don't think so." Doesn't anyone use paper maps anymore?  This pathetic dependence gets even more funny when people start running the consumer devices up against their limits. I strongly suspect that most people aren't aware that a GPS receiver doesn't tell you exactly where you are, it just tells you to within a certain range, which, for consumer grade units, is typically 3-5 meters. This, coupled with processing delays in the routing algorithms, can make life quite interesting when you're driving at speed on older freeways, with closely spaced ramps. I recall riding through Minneapolis and St. Paul with my sister and her fiance, a yooper who is overdependent on his GPS.  We missed one or two exits, and were directed onto another right at the last possible moment. Those routing algorithms are a piece of work too. They will send you through some of the weirdest routes possible. In the trip mentioned above, I drew on my experience of having been a commercial driver in the twin cities. The GPS gave conflicting directions. It apparently didn't know that Highway 62 is a godawful bottleneck that I prefer to avoid.


All this leads me to believe that it would be absolutely hilarious to turn Selective Availability back on. The outputs of the routing algorithms would be quite interesting if the receiver thinks that its 100 meters to the left of where it actually is. However, there is a work around for Selective Availability. It's called Differential GPS. In this system, two GPS receivers are used. One is set up over a point of known latitude and longitude. Readings are taken from this receiver, and the known values of latitude and longitude are subtracted from the reading. This provides a linear transformation that can be used to gain accurate readings from the second receiver, which is used normally. It would be quite humorous to see a group of ditzy teenage girls attempting this.

There is another method of boosting the precision of GPS devices, called RTK, or, Real Time Kinematic. The workings of this system are complex, so feel free to skip the following explanation:

GPS works by receiving multiple identical signals from satellites, comparing the signals to an internally generated copy of the signal, and using the difference in timing between these signals to calculate the distance to each satellite. Using these distances, the receiver can then calculate its location. The signal is a stream of pseudorandom data. An RTK system does the same thing, using the carrier signal, instead of the pseudo random data. The increase in accuracy comes from the increased speed with which the signal is received. The pseudorandom signal is a digital signal, transmitting 1020408.163 bits per second. The carrier signal is an analog signal, with a frequency of 1575.42 MHz. With a good A-D converter, considerably more than 1020408.163 bits per second are available.

In a nutshell, it also requires a base station, and if made available as on option on a car, would add 10k-15k to the price tag. Because of this, its used mainly in surveying and precision agriculture.

One could always use a sextant, but for driving, that would be more complicated than reading a map. However, it would be quite humorous to see a group of ditzy teenage girls attempting this.

Moral of the story: Your GPS won't save you, at least not for what you paid for it.

Example of text mangled with google translate

This came from the talk page of a rather disruptive Wikipedia user.

Original Post:

You don't seriously believe that anyone is going to come and look at this talkpage and think "Hmmm.... A. Garnet didn't just come onto a random person's user page and start randomly throwing insults and abuse about Islamophobia. In fact, I believe he was totally justified in making a series of random, nonsensical allegations based on totally apologetic authors for whom the terms 'dhimmi' and 'we will subjugate you' give them the same result as popping 90 viagra pills. Now go and jack off over a picture of Mo, I'm sure his rotting bones will appreciate it.

Post translated to Afrikaans and back:

 You seriously believe that someone would come and look at the Talk Page and think "Hmmm .... A. Garnet did not just get a random person's user page and start throwing random insults and abuse on Islamophobia. In fact, I believe he was totally justified in a series of random, nonsensical statements based on total apologetic writers for whom the terms "dhimmi" and "we will submit you to give them the same result as Viagra-popping 90 pills Now. and jack off a photo of Mom, I'm sure his rotten bones will appreciate it.

Above translated to Serbian and back: 

You seriously believe that someone would come and look at the talk and think, "Hmmm .... and grenades not only get the user page of random people and start throwing random insults and abuse on Islamophobia In fact, I. I believe that it is fully justified in the series random, meaningless statements based on the total apologetic writers of that period "Dhimmi" and "we will submit to them now the same result as Viagra-popping 90 pills. and Jack Off photo Mom, I'm sure his rotten bones will appreciate.

Above translated to Japanese and back:

Are you seriously if someone came to see the story, thinking, "Hmmm .... and grenades do not get the random people's user pages, in fact, a random insult Islamophobia I I. I believe started throwing abuse and periods that have been justified in series perfectly that believes "Dhimmi" according to the writer apologetic total, "We are popping Viagra to them now Sentence meaning to submit the same results as random as 90 pills. Jakkuofufoto mom and I'm sure it will be appreciated and his rotten bones.

Big jump in amount of nonsense there. Now onto Basque:

Are you seriously if someone came to see the story, "Hmmm .... to get the grenades, and random people's user pages, in fact, I started, I think I Islamophobia random insult throwing and abuse that was once thought that this series is excellent" Dhimmi "justified according to the writer of apologetic," We are popping Viagra ruling which now presents the same results as random as the meaning of 90 pills. Jakkuofufoto mother and I am sure will be appreciated, and his bones rot.

And Filipino:

Are you seriously when someone comes to see the story, "Hmmm .... to get the grenades, and random people's user pages, in fact, I started, I think Islamophobia random insult throwing and abuse that was once thought that this series is excellent "dhimmi" justified by the writer of apologetic, "We are popping Viagra ruling which now presents the same results as random as the definition 90 pills. Jakkuofufoto mother and I'm sure will be appreciated, and his bones rot.

And finally, Romanian:

Are you seriously when someone comes to see the story, "Hmmm .... to get grenade, and user pages of random people, I actually started, I think Islamophobia throwing random insults and abuse, which was once thought that this series is excellent "dhimmi", justified by the writer of apologetic, "We are popping Viagra ruling which now presents the same results as random as the definition of 90 pills. Jakkuofufoto mother and I am sure will be appreciated, and his bones rot. 

So what's the definition of 90 pills? 

How to effectively mangle peices of text using google translate

Google translate is excellent for mangling text, in the tradition of "My hovercraft is full of eels". However, There are some subtleties to it that must be discussed. First, the selection of source text. I like to use forum posts made by trolls, as well as ones by those venting moral outrage. These are amusing because the mistranslations may end up turning the statements into statements opposing the poster's position. A good place to find these are the talk pages of Wikipedia articles, particularly those dealing with controversial and sex related topics. Second, the selection of languages to translate to. I generally switch between language groups at each translation, a typical sequence being: English-->Russian-->English-->Spanish-->English-->Danish-->English-->Swahili
-->English-->Japanese-->English-->Arabic-->English

The sequence of groups here (excluding the back translations to English) is:
Slavic-->Romantic-->Germanic-->African-->Asian-->Middle Eastern

This is more helpful than translating between languages within the same group, as often the grammatical structure and words themselves are similar enough  that no significant change can be made.

Here's an example, of an outraged post made on the talk page for Wikipedia's Bikini article:

Original post:
THIS IS SICK!!!!!!
I AM OUTRAGED AT THE CONTENT OF THIS FOTOGRAF!!! THAT WOMAN IS (AND 95 PERCENT SHE IS WOMAN IN WHITE SLAVERY!) SHE IS WEARING NEXT TO NOTHING. SHE IS SIX QUARTERS NAKED and SINCE KIDS MIGHT BE WATCHING, DIALING IN THIS PICTURE in a SCHOOL LIBRARY and possiblely masturbating with this. this is wikipedia, not playboy. i am a major funder and will withdraw payments unless all pornographic, child porn, and likewise obscene material withdrawn. at the very least, could this picture show a more covering bikini (most women's bikini's do not show stomach area AT ALL just go to the beach sometime YOU IDIOT! S Or just show a bikini sitting on the ground without any girls in it. THESE ARE MY OFFICIAL SUGGESTIONS.
I DEMAND REASBONSIBLITY IN THIS SITE. PROTECTRING CHILDREN IN OUR MAIN RESPONSIBILITY. WHOSE WITH ME?

Full of outrage, and reaking of poor grammar.
The post after being run through Google Translate multiple times:


This is' sick !!!!!!

I am outraged by the contents of a photographer! Women (and 95 percent of women in white slavery!), Almost everything. Open 6 / 4 and then the children can see pictures of the school library and classroom possiblely masturbate with him. Not easy to Playboy. I am the chief sponsor of the sex charges, child sex and obscene material removed. At the very vaccines over these bikini pictures bikini (, many women do not have the stomach to show for all but the motto of the beach bikini girl show S! or underground informal stage of these proposals ..

REASBONSIBLITY need of this sector. Protection of large multiply our responsibility for children. Who am I?

So now he/she's the main sponsor of the material he/she wants removed, and they are unaware of who they are.

Three seasonings a college student should not be without

nIn my time as a college student, I have eaten more than my share of ramen and easy mac. These get quite boring after a while, so one must find ways to make them interesting. Get yourself a good supply of cayenne pepper, minced garlic, and garlic salt. Ramen is best improved with cayenne pepper and minced garlic. The cayenne pepper adds spice, while the garlic not only contributes its flavor, but makes the texture less monotonous. The cayenne pepper also goes well in easy mac, along with the garlic salt. The garlic salt has a more complex and subtle taste to it, which makes it better suited to flavoring easy mac, which is nearly tasteless to begin with. Adding pure garlic to easy mac wouldn't work as well, as eays mac isn't salty enough to back up the garlic. Garlic on its own without salt just doesn't work.

Spring Break

I do not like spring break. I never have the money to go anywhere, and just end up working. I do appreciate not having to do anything, but have immense difficulty getting back into things afterward. At least I don't get a fall break...

Biologists, biology, and related fields and their practitioners

As a former physics/engineering student, I find biologists, and practitioners of related and derived fields, such as animal scientists, doctors, veterinarians, etc. to be easy targets for humour. Primary reason: Physics is very well understood, whereas the biologists are mostly stumbling around in the dark. Engineers can make machines that produce more fuel than they consume, whereas doctors can't raise stuff from the dead. Engineering creates elegant solutions to complex problems using an intimate understanding of the concepts involved. Medicine is akin to putting up a building by throwing the bricks into position from thirty feet away. A dam requires a mighty effort to cause it to fail, life forms are absolutely pathetic when subjected to much smaller forces. A biologist can come up with something they find impressive, but I can still zap it in the microwave. Engineers have ISO 9000, and can make machines operate at nearly 100% uptime, cranking out all manner of useful stuff, while the most reliable technology based on the work of biologists are chemical weapons. (To those who ask why I regard pharmaceuticals as less reliable, chemical weapons don't have any undesirable side effects. True, some of the people hit by them survive, and are left with all manner of chronic health problems, but remember, these are weapons, they're supposed to cause harm. Undesirable side effects in this case would be increased fertility rates in survivors.) Drugs cause all kinds of unpleasant side effects, while structural members of buildings don't punch people who walk past. The list goes on and on...
I don't devalue their work though. It is definitely useful, and I'm sure they'll have their breakthrough sometime.

Suggested reading

Here's a list of books I would recommend reading:
1: The Harry Potter series. Regardless of what the literary snobs say, they're still entertaining.
2: The Grainger catalog. All kinds of interesting stuff most people don't need and wouldn't know what to do with. I'm not most people.
3: Island of the Sequined Love Nun, by Christopher Moore. An epic peice of absurdist fiction.
4: Freakonomics, by Stephen D. Levitt and Stephen j. Dubner. Yes, math is useful for everything. Maybe if biologists, social scientists, et. al. would actually learn some, they could move out of the dark ages so that doctors, teachers, social workers etc. could actually be ISO-9000 compliant.
5: A Soldier's Story, by Omar Bradley. An excellent account of the European Theater of WWII, written by one of the most brilliant generals in U.S. history.

A list of tools I could not stand to be without

So like many adult males, I am a tool snob. My mom thinks I spend too much on tools, given that I am a college student, but I don't buy them as frequently as she thinks I do. (Also, I don't go to the hardware store to sober up anymore. The novelty wore off.) Here's a list of everything I consider essential:
1: 16 ounce claw hammer. The standard size hammer, can be used for just about anything. It can do just about anything a ball pein hammer will, and those things it can't do don't concern me.
2: Screwdriver set. I prefer an assortment of the good old fashioned one piece screwdrivers, as opposed to the combination Phillips/slotted screwdrivers. The shafts are thinner, and thus able to fit into smaller holes. Also, there aren't any pieces to lose.
3: Measuring tape. Can't measure anything without it.
4: Cordless drill driver. The drill driver is distinct from a drill in that while it is excellent for drilling holes, it is much better suited to driving screws than a conventional drill is. The main difference between the two is in the clutch. In a conventional drill, the chuck is geared directly to the motor. In a drill driver, there is a clutch between the chuck and the motor, which disengages when the back torque from the chuck exceeds a set amount. This makes the tool much better for driving screws, as it is easier to avoid overdriving the screw.
5: Backsaw. A crosscut saw specially designed for use with mitre boxes, I prefer them to standard crosscut saws for their compact size, and the spine on the top of the blade, which gives them greater rigidity.
6: Socket wrench set. A ratchet, when it can fit onto the fastener, is usually faster and easier than a combination wrench.
7: Combination wrench set. Because a socket wrench doesn't work for everything.
8: Large crescent wrench. The small ones slip easily and round off the sides of the fastener, but once you start dealing with 3/4in+ fasteners and fittings, that happens less, and a crescent wrench is easier to carry than several large combination wrenches.
9: Levels and Squares. A torpedo level is sufficient for most tasks. Each type of square has it's best applications, some are more likely to be used than others, so I'll list them in order of usefulness: Try square- good for just about all small work. Framing square- good for larger work. Speed square- kind of a cross between a try square and a framing square. Combination square- a rickety, somewhat inaccurate mechanical affair, it's one strength, in my opinion is it's ability to fit into small spaces. Drywall square- good for layout work on drywall, plywood, and other such materials.
10: Allen wrenches. I prefer the all-in-ones where the individual keys fold into the handle. They're much more ergonomic than individual keys.
11: Utility knife. I put it here because you can usually use something else in a pinch.
12: Punches, Scratch awls, countersinks etc. They make life so much easier. Just try drilling a hole in metal or concrete without punching it first. Counter sinks are for hiding nails in the woodwork.
13: I'm Triskaidekaphobic. So there is no 13.
14: Tin snips. There's some things even a utility knife won't cut.
15: Files, rasps, etc. For whenever you need to remove a minute amount of material.
16: Pop rivet tool. Pop rivets are quite useful for metal work. They are aesthetically more pleasing than screws, and can be used in closer quarters.
17: Blacksmith hammer. Sometimes a claw hammer doesn't cut it. There are several types of large hammer; my favorite is the blacksmith hammer. It has one flat face, while the other end of the head is pointed, making it more versatile than other large hammers. It's great for driving a masonry chisel.
18: Masonry chisel. All you really need to make holes in, or to knock down concrete block walls, though it might take you a while. I prefer the single bevel variety.
19: Circular saw. I'm right handed, but prefer left handed circular saws. A right handed circular saw is set up with the motor on the left, with the blade on the right, with the result that you can't see a damn thing. If you're willing to spend some extra $$, go for a worm drive saw. They're heavier, and louder, but considerably more powerful.

Overview of this blog

So, I tend to put a lot of thought into completly random things. Perfectly natural when you've spent a significant portion of your life replacing ceiling tiles and cleaning dust collectors. I figured some of the things I came up with were sufficiently profound that I sould preserve them for posterity. So here goes: If black humour deals with death destruction, and other similarly taboo subjects, blue humour deals with crudness, black magic is the magic of effecting death, destruction, and other such mayhem, then what is blue magic?